My Baby
Monsters

This classic comedy sketch song by Abbott and Costello was featured in the
Knock Knock, Who's on First. What? I Don't Know… play baseball.
Just joking, teasing, and other lying stories.
[old time children's radio show podcast: 13.5]

(The entire script of the classic Abbott and Costello comedy sketch, Who's On First)

Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: Right, certainly do.

Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and…

Costello: His brother Daffy?

Abbott: Daffy Dean.

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofe’.

Abbott: Goofe’ Dean, oh I see! Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.

Costello: That’s what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know’s on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You going to be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don’t know the fellow’s names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who is on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who!

Costello: The guy playing first base.

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first!

Abbott: That’s the man’s name.

Costello: That’s whose name?

Abbott: Yeah.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s who?

Abbott: Yeah.

(Pause)

Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who’s playing first?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets the money.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Who gets the money on first base?

Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

Abbott: Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign it?

Abbott: That’s how he signs it!

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

(Pause)

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base.

Abbott: No, what’s on second base.

Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well don’t change the players around!

Costello: I’m not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: All I’m asking you, who’s the guy on first base?!

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: Okay.

Abbott: Alright.

(Pause)

Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?!

Abbott: No, What is on second!

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second!

Abbott: Who’s on first.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s get back to first.

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Well you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say’s playing third?

Abbott: No, Who’s playing first.

Costello: What’s on first?

Abbott: What’s on second.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: He’s on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and don’t go off it?

Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who’s playing third base?!

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third?!

Abbott: No, What is on second.

Costello: You don’t want who on second?!

Abbott: No, Who is on first.

Costello: I don’t know!

Both: Third base!

(Pause)

Costello: Look, you got outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder’s name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.

Abbott: Well I just thought I’d tell you.

Costello: Then tell me who is playing left field.

Abbott: Who is playing first.

Costello: I’m not…Stay out of the infield! I want to know, what’s the guy’s name in left field?

Abbott: No, What is on second.

Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.

Abbott: No, Who is on first.

Costello: I don’t know.

Both: Third base!

(Pause)

Costello: And left fielder’s name?

Abbott: Why!

Costello: Because.

Abbott: No, he’s center field.

Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)

Abbott: Well that’s the fellow’s name.

Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher’s name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?

Abbott: I’m telling you then.

Costello: Well go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?

Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on…

Costello: I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first! I want to know, what’s the pitcher’s name?

Abbott: What’s on second!

Costello: I don’t know!

Both: Third base!

(Pause)

Costello: Got a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher’s name.

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today? And tomorrow’s pitching?

Abbott: Now you’ve got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, I’m a catcher too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said right.

Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

Abbott: Well that’s all you have to do!

Costello: Is throw the ball to first base?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Now who’s got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

(Pause)

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s got to get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally?

Abbott: No you don’t! You throw the ball to Who!

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s different.

Costello: That’s what I said.

Abbott: You’re not saying that.

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally?

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s what I said!

Abbott: Listen, you ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Same as you!

Abbott: You just changed them around.

Costello: Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throw’s it to what, what throw’s it to I don’t know, I don’t know throw’s it back to tomorrow, triple play!

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Another guy gets up, and it’s a long fly ball to because. Why? I don’t know, he’s on third, and I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: Oh…What?

Costello: I said, I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that’s our short stop.

Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)

Have fun,
– Josie

(Who's on First by Abbott and Costello, © 1944)

 

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